i guess we’re supposed to improve as life progresses. Somehow i feel as if i’ve stepped backward. i miss the determination and drive i used to have (although that was at the expense of a social life?) idk, i guess that’s the way life is; complex. There is no clear distinction between most ideal/best life and non-ideal. What matters is the future and what I choose to do with it. Perhaps life’s complexities and enigmatic nature is the reason why it is great.

Told myself to sleep early because exams start tomorrow but look @ me.  

💩

i have a problem.

i thought I was better, happy and free happy from worrying about food. 

but somehow, it always finds its way back to me, sometimes subtly sometimes intensely.

 i am still conscious about the amount space i occupy, the way my shorts ride up when I run, when my butt feels warm sitting in the lecture theatre, how my arm flabs when I erase my work or wave my hands, the roundness of my face in photos and how easily my double chin appears. I feel uneasy when I don’t exercise for the whole week or give in to my urges to eat unhealthy packaged food.

i am not fat, i know and acknowledge that. it’s confusing. i feel like I’m morbidly obese whilst knowing I’m not fat at the same time. 

i have never really loved myself, and I guess I’ve never really felt loved by anyone else. 😕

i hope I’m being a dramatic teenager.

first brain balloon of 2017

hi.

Last week i had planned to update this blog with the bajillion things that have happened in my life since the last time I updated it. Lo and behold, my phone crashed while the iOS was updating (or something of sorts). In short, my phone was reset to factory settings and all the pictures I have of the food I made and casual snapshots of the life are gone 😦 The only ones I have saved in my drive are personal photos with people but as of now, I’m not really interested in uploading them online…those will be kept for my physical journal.

2016 was a real bumpy journey both physically and mentally. New environment, new people, new subjects. 2016 was also the year where my level of maturity reached a new level. I thought more about things, questioned things and wondered a lot. That made the year mentally difficult because I felt lost, I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing (school). What made things worse was that my main support system in school (aka my gros) were not in the same school as me and i was no longer constantly surrounded with people I was so extremely comfortable with to provide me with security and support. No doubt I did meet amazing people whom I’m very grateful for and some parts of the year were joyful but overall, I wouldn’t say 2016 was great.

Anyway, on 2017. So far, it’s been okay. School isn’t killing me yet. I’m not in school today because I’m not feeling well and so I’ve had more time to ponder about life than I usually do and I thought it’d be nice to pen down my thoughts and direction for the year.

Instagram has been a great source of distraction for me. I can spend hours scrolling endlessly(and mindlessly). Such a brainless activity which really causes me to waste time and lose focus on things I’m doing..even eating. I’ve deleted the app c: I think it’s really important to put 10/10 attention into everything we do..including eating, sleeping and shitting. One thing at a time. Multitasking just gets things done in a half-hearted manner. I remember watching watching history videos in 2015 and the teacher would always say:

Where attention flows, energy goes.

I always have fleeting moments of great wisdom but I find it so difficult to apply it into my life 😬

This is silver mirror test to test for aldehydes 🙂 I feel like this post is too wordy.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about is relationships. Like love kind. My school has several. It got me wondering how long will it last? Is it real or is it just because it’s a cool new thing to do at this age? Are they exploring? People usually don’t end up with their first love and that makes me fearful of entering any love relationship because I probably wouldn’t want to lose that person. Also, I kind of find that most guys are judgemental, ranking females on boob size and face. So degrading it just makes me upset and disappointed at times :c 

sometimes I feel like the only person who understands my thoughts is Christine. 
I have a lot on my mind but I’m too lazy to get everything down so I’m ending off here. To my future self, have faith in yourself and stand your ground more, don’t let people walk over you.

see you 

bleh

i don’t like the holidays. it makes me feel sad and lonely. it makes me question my life…my existence 😦 being with people helps to take my mind off but there are no people around. save me.